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Spiritual EgoFrom: Barry
Subject: Practice
Date/Time 2007-02-10 17:34:42
Remote IP: 82.2.113.229
Message I am enjoying the daily ritual of writing in my log what happens during practice. The positive part is I come out of hiding...my Scorpio moon.
But I notice how pale the words are to the experience...not just pale but arrogant. Borne out of fear.
I can list all the structures that blossomed througout...what I sense as 'improvement' or shift of attitude...but really- I don't know. And the more I try to convince myself I know what is happening the further away I get from the juice.Sometimes it feels like I am trying to convince my father I am really OK on this spiritual path.A very very old story both personally and in this culture of masculine doingness.
It is as if the entire time spent cultivating is to let it all go. What I mean is the 'moment' is all I have and each one is pregnant with unique possibilities which can not be replicated...ever!!And they aren't even coming from me but through me!
Isn't this awesome?
I hear the Earth whispering..."yes, yes...this is the secret of the Dark....not knowing...not succeeding..not naming...not constructing from the top down."
And yet there is a lot of suffering to pass through. To release. What I have identified with. The struggles. And others struggles. And the worlds struggles.
The spiritual marketplace has to promise relief, asanas by the ocean, chi kung in the deepest mountains of China, but when you are really in the work it doesn't matter where you are...there is only this moment and you for better or worse.
There are times I can definitely see how I have 'gotten better'. I can handle emotions differently, touch, confusion, happiness but really it boils down to surrendering what I think I have gotten all these years to this moment. It is all the earth and this body really know.
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